Longing for parole

As the sun begins to set on another day here in the NICU, I'm finding it difficult to maintain my optimism. After talking with both ENT and the NICU team, it seems as if discharge plans are more like 3-4 weeks out still. The reason being that his airway is still compromised and they don't want to let him go until they're certain it is no longer compromised. If Kedric and I are honest with ourselves, we don't want to take him home until that's the case. It is such a balance between staying here needlessly and heading home too early only to return because of a complication. I'm beginning to understand the fine line that the patients I work with walk; and appreciate their frustration at staying day after day with us. 

Our first week here, Kedric and I met a very sweet couple who had been here with their premature baby for 16 weeks. Mom jokingly said that it felt like prison here and they were hoping to be paroled soon. It was funny when she said it. But I seem to have lost my sense of humor. Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks here and I'm beginning to long for parole. I imagine this is what claustrophobic people feel like - walls closing in and a general feeling of bleakness. I feel trapped. While I'm grateful that I can now breastfeed, I'm bound within the dreary walls of this hospital for every 3-4 hour feeds. This means no being at home with my family, frustrations of a new baby that sometimes latches and sometimes doesn't, no sleep, and no getting out in the sunshine unless I stay within close proximity to the hospital. I have to ask permission from a stranger to see my baby...and to touch him. This is HARD. 

I am so grateful for Sutton's progress and indebted to the staff here as well as family and friends that have pulled us through the last 3 weeks. But I'm tired. And I just want to go home - with my baby. I don't know if I can make it another 3-4 weeks, but it doesn't look like its my choice as to when we'll get parole.