I think the real cause is Sutton. I have finally gotten up the gumption to sift through and sort the masses of paperwork that come with a healthcare crisis and, let me tell you, it has been hard. I told a friend just the other day that, as we come through to a more normal life again, I have moments where I think things weren't really that hard and that I can't empathize with others difficult life experiences because ours wasn't that difficult. But that's not true.
Our lives will never be "normal" again. Sutton's condition isn't going away, even though it is certainly better right now. We will always be watching to see if he needs medical and/or surgical intervention again. There will be doctor visits and tests. There will also be the recollection of the strain of spending nearly 12 weeks of Sutton's first year of life in a hospital 115 miles from home while we attempted to balance the care of the rest of our family. The trials of tube feeding and med weans and hospitalizations for illness were real. And thankfully all of that is a distant memory for now.
When I reflect on leaving the hospital without my baby just a few short hours after he was born, I can feel the fatigue and discomfort, the fear and sorrow. When I try to figure out how we kept up financially after losing a full time income in order for me to stay home with the kids and kept afloat even with mounting medical and travel expenses I am in awe. When I look at the state of my mothering and the growth in my marriage and in myself as a woman, I am amazed. What do I see most? I see God.
I am writing all of this because Kedric and I seem to have no shortage of people we love going through trials of their own right now. The loss of children, sick children, hospitalizations, job loss, marital strain, relocation, etc. I heard a song the other day, "Blessings" by Laura Story, that perfectly summed up our experiences to this point, and it's what I want all of you that are in a difficult season to know:
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I believe they are. We have been immensely blessed by this realization and, my prayer is that one day you will see your trials through a similar lens.
When we were looking at this:
We had a hard time seeing this:
"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:31
